Two days in Kent including a disappointing television appearance

I had been in the office for most of the time since my last trip, working on a list of ladies and establishments worth seeing in Kent, which was essentially one of the last virgin areas I had not visited since the the new books came out. I had lined up plenty of calls, though not as many as I had hoped. Virtually all of my potential calls in the Medway towns had turned out to be duds, with establishment after establishment coming up with unobtainable phone numbers. Particularly disappointing was the closure of A Touch of Class, a very upmarket private house that had operated from a large Georgian terraced house near the centre of Rochester and which had obviously been very well run. Furthermore the two Gillingham dominatrixes had both moved, one only to Maidstone, but the other to Lincolnshire. So a big hole had appeared in the list of calls for my projected journey.

For so many years, what with Steve Kirby's classy establishment on the Medway City estate near the Rochester end of the Medway tunnel, which went by a variety of names, but always impressed and the ever reliably open Health and Body World in Luton Rd., Chatham, which also came up with some cracking ladies from time to time, the Medway towns was always the first area to check out in this county. Fortunately whatever the police had been up to they had concentrated on certain areas and while a number of less notable private flats and houses had also closed down in Maidstone, Canterbury, Herne Bay and the Isle of Thanet, the rest of the county had been left alone with no closures in for example Dartford, Gravesend, Tunbridge Wells or Folkestone.

I then received an e-mail with an invitation to take part in a new edition of the Trisha Goddard show. I had been on this almost ten years ago and after an after dinner speech in Southport, I had driven across the country to Norwich and had appeared on a programme where Trisha had made it very clear she viewed me with thinly disguised contempt and I had been approached on one subsequent occasion and decided I did not need the aggro. However I always make it a policy to find out precisely what they are looking for and so I rang them only to find they no longer record the programmes in Norwich but now in Maidstone and that it was on for this Friday, when I was in the area any way and they said I would be treated with a lot more respect. Well what with all the Medway town closures, I thought it would fill in the afternoon and the publicity would do me no harm, so after agreeing a token fee to cover notional travelling expenses, I agreed to take my chances and take part.

Soon after my conversation with them I had a phone call from Vanessa Coleman, an old friend who had run a very notable parlour in Bournemouth and whose number I had given to Renegade Pictures, the Soho TV production company contracted to doing some programmes on the adult services industry for Channel 4 and she told me that she was at a loose end since her release from prison and that she had also been contacted by the Trisha Show. I told her it was up to her and recounted my experiences, but that I was taking part.

I now had to rejig my projected travel schedule, but did so and set out on Thursday moring fairly early. My first call was on my old friend Vicky who has had the longest running estabishment in the Dartford area for some time, though its location has varied a lot. At one time her establishment was well to the south of Dartford nearer Swanley and this was the case again now. She has renamed it the Quintessential Experience and when I got there I discovered an operation running from an upmarket modern detached house complete with jacuzzi and a four poster in the bedroom, though now only one lady there most of the time. The lady present there that day was Bex, who I had taken a photo of in Dartford in her trademark body stocking, which I then featured in my latest guidebook and she looked just as slim and appealing as ever. Vicky was finding things very quiet and blamed the proliferation of private flats with East European ladies rather than the Credit Crunch, though curiously she did not seem concerned by Sapphire's Sauna and Steam of Swanley, the only bona fide parlour left in Kent west of the Medway.

http://www.the-qex.com

This was where I headed next and was greeted by Debbie, their ever dependable receptionist when I arrived. I soon bumped into one lady who had come across me before in Euston and Anerley, though I did not recollect her. Debbie did not want to show me around again for some unknown reason, but liked the certificate I had brought for them and I parted with thirty pounds for books. I then set off for the unusually named Bluetown area of Sheerness, the location of Kent's most notable sex shop.

http://www.sapphiresauna.co.uk

After a chat with Steve at Playtime, I headed off to Whitstable and one of the few bona fide parlours left in the county. Scarletts, where approximately a year ago I had had a very enjoyable session with a Yasmin LeBon lookalike unsurprisingly called Yasmin, occupies a small unit on an industrial estate near the town's Tesco. I had hoped to see Jane, the lady who runs things there, but she was having a day off and was at the hairdressers when I arrived. I hoped to talk to her when she had finished having her perm, but felt it was a suitable opportunity to pick up a bite to eat at the Tesco and so made what I thought would be a brief excursion there. However when I emerged at about the time I would have been able to talk to Jane, I found myself bumping into two of the ladies I had met at the parlour shortly before who told me they had closed for the day. Surprised and somewhat frustrated, since I do not venture down this way every day of the week, I rang Jane, who had finished her session at the hairdressers and discovered the proprietor of the parlour was not Jane, but some anonymous man who had decided the parlour should close for some unknown reason. I told Jane I would try and come back the following day, but that she should not hold her breath because of the Trisha show.

http://www.scarlettsmassage.com

I now headed on to the Isle of Thanet and had hoped to visit both Devils and Angels, Margate's two remaining private flats. Last time I had been in the town I had had no joy in seeing either of them, with both their proprietors either busy or absent. I had no better luck today, but I had one very enjoyable call on an escort agency operation offering both incalls and outcalls at a terraced house not far from Dane Park. Operated by and particularly featuring Ellouise, a Lancashire lass with a delightfully slim though somewhat tattooed body, Ellouise's Escorts currently has three ladies available, though Ellouise has great hopes of building up a more substantial array of talent in future. Ellouise herself is a sometimes adult actress who has graced several films emanating from an intriguingly named film production company called "Rude Britannia" and is a very competent pole dancer, which I can vouch for personally having seen her athletically entwine herself around a pole which graces the house's principle bedroom. I emerged from the house after half an hour suitably refreshed from a very enjoyable session with Ellouise herself.

Meanwhile I had rung around various ladies who worked in the area and who had expressed an interest in meeting me and it having been suggested I meet up with one who entertains in Ramsgate, but who is actually based in the nearby town of Deal, I headed over there. Layla, an attractive brunette in her twenties, has only just emerged on the local adult scene and boasts a slim leggy body. I explained that I was not really up to a session at that time, after all I am not Superman, but she indicated she would be happy to entertain me the next time I was in the area. And so I headed off to the town where I was going to make my last three calls of the day, Folkestone.

My first call was on Goddess Mia, who has moved from a relatively small terraced house just to the north of the harbour and between the railway line and the sea to a larger house not far from the hospital. An attractive mature blonde, we chatted about developments and it turned out she had fallen out with her former colleague Mistress jacquie who had now moved up to Margate. She purchased some of my corrective guides and I headed on to see Beth at Independent Girls, a long standing private house in Dover Road.

http://www.goddess-mia.co.uk

I cannot say I was surprised to find Beth not around when I knocked on the door of her house. The last time I had come to see her she was otherwise occupied. This time an attractive blonde came to the door, but did not know where Beth was. So much for her assurance that she would be in all day.

http://www.independentgirlskent.co.uk

I now headed over to the town's and county's top parlour. Pussycatz of Cheriton has been around and operating non stop since I started checking out the national parlour scene in the mid nineties and although it has had several changes of management it has some delightful ladies and some very imaginatively designed playrooms, which are particularly well mirrored. The parlour also boasts a room in the basement which boasts a very roomy jacuzzi. This is close to the rear entrance to the property, by which is a very conveniently located car parking area. For the first time, I met Lisa, the new manageress, and so I have yet to meet John, the new proprietor. Curiously I only met Val his predecessor on a Kilroy show, though I had met her predecessor, Steve, on numerous occasions until he suddenly disappeared earlier in this decade. They used to get a host of good reviews and obviously took customer satisfaction very seriously there. These have dwindled in number recently and unusually they do not boast a website, but it is still the pre-eminent parlour in the county.

From here I headed up to the Travelodge on the M2, where I had booked a room. I had been asked to ring the Trisha show to go over some small details. I could only get a line from my mobile at the service station, so rather than being able to relax in my hotel room, I found myself talking to them from a seat in the restaurant area there. The small details that should have taken ten minutes lasted half a hour. Looking back on it now, it did not bode well.

The following morning I headed over to Asda in Canterbury, filled up with diesel and had some breakfast and then set out for Dover to see Mistress Raven, her mother Lady Elaine and her partner Master Storm. They had run a very distinctive operation called Victorian Dover from a magnificent four storey terraced Georgian house in the town, but were now operating from a semi in the nearby village of Lydden just off the main A2 to Canterbury. After confronting one of the most confusingly numbered houses in a road that I have ever come across in the country, believe it or not I found myself confronting houses numbered 24 and 25 on both sides of a cul de sac I found myself in, I found the house and was welcomed in. They were fascinated by the book and showed me around. Though obviously not as spacious as their former location, they have made a pretty good job of converting a garage and will soon have the bondage bed available again and will be able to again offer their bizarre corrective B & B service. They purchased some books and I headed on to my, as it turned out, last call of the trip in Folkestone.

http://www.dominaslair.co.uk

Mature Pleasures is run by a charming lady by the name of Molly, who I had apparently met some years ago in Ilford, when she was running a discreet flat in Seven Kings. Now other than Pussycatz the longest running establishment in the town, they specialise in ladies in their thirties and forties, but who still have desirable figures, there are no BBWs here. We had a chat about developments both nationally and in Kent and after selling her some books I set out up the M20. I called at a sex shop where they stocked my books in the Willesborough area of Ashford, but found that over the past year they had sold none. The sex shop is bizarrely located actually comprising just one room within a joke shop on an estate nowhere near the town centre and I decided I would not bother with this one in future. From here it was on to Maidstone and the Trisha Show.

I had been asked to get there for 1, but they said 1.30 would do at the absolute latest, but I could not fit anything worthwhile in the the half hour or so I had available and so I arrived soon after 1. I was shown in and found Vanessa and a friend of hers, who was going to be in the audience, waiting in the same dressing room I was going to occupy during my wait for the programme to start and then the wait began, interrupted on a fairly regular basis by people coming in and introducing themselves and occasionally getting us something to eat or drink, but mainly getting us to fill in one more form after another. Apparently since Vanessa Feltz had had a chap appear on her show who was an entire fraud, they are determined to make sure such does not happen on Trisha and compared to the show in Norwich, the lengths they went to were extraordinary. They needed to photocopy my driving license and so many other precautions were taken on their part, I began to wonder where I was. Vanessa said it was worse than going to prison, though I suspect she was exaggerating somewhat. I should have realised I was going to have my work cut out to get my point across when firstly I was ushered out of the dressing room to another room, where I sat plodding on with a sudoku, while unbeknown to me, Trisha came in and had a brief chat with the other two people waiting with me, Vanessa and a Canadian male stripper based in Portsmouth. I only learnt of her visit when I returned. Obviously Trisha did not wish to have anymore to do with me than she could avoid.

About five o'clock we were ushered into an area round the back of the studio where we could watch the programme begin. This initially took the form of a discussion between a very attractive young lady called Paige, who worked as and when she wished as a high charging escort, a typical charge being four thousand pounds for a weekend of her company, and a garrulous harridan, who worked as a cleaner and who proceeded to abuse Paige nonstop for far more time than she should have been allowed, even stooping to the depths of calling her a thing. After two exotic dancers got up and strutted their stuff, they were then joined by a relic from Mary Whitehouse's "Festival of Light", a bemedalled WWII former R.A.F. man who was almost in his nineties and who did not see the irony of his claim to be disgusted by a country that he saved from Hitler, without realising that Hitler had as much time for the institutions he castigated as himself. However, despite his age he was polite and could make his point even if it did not make much sense.

The male stripper then made his entrance and then it was my turn. Trisha could hardly hide her disdain when introducing me, but I got some points over, before she interrupted. However she had let the Hilda Ogden character prattle on for far too long and when Vanessa made her entrance she was hardly given any time to say anything useful. The last person to come on stage was an ex porn star/working lady whom I suspected was going to be one of those ladies who had seen the light, but I was happily confounded when she spoke a lot of sense.

I was able to make some more of the points I wished to make on camera which I was assured would be available to anyone logging on to Trisha's website, but by the main it had been a wasted afternoon. Vanessa told me then she had got a myspace website operating where she had made her position on a lot of matters available and I feel looking at that might have been a better way to spend my time than appearing on this show. The main consolation I derived from the afternoon was the far more gracious behaviour of Paige, than her adversary, whom I suspect would have been very happy in Hitler's Germany.

http://www.myspace.com/madamvanessa

After picking up my driving license which they had held for the afternoon, I was finally able to leave about 6p.m. and after ringing Maidstone Massage, where I had hoped to meet the proprietress Caroline, but who had no interest in seeing me, I headed on to the M20 and the long journey home to Staffordshire.

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Thursday 1st and Friday 2nd of May

04/05/2008